total apathy

I also dearly missed the orgasmic sedated euphoria and total apathy that strong opioids gave me..Like a bomb going off inside my head a feeling of pure ecstasy more pleasurable than anything I had ever felt, orgasm included, spread from my head and down my spine, into my torso and down through my legs. I put my head down and rested it on my knees. Sitting on the toilet in my mother’s bathroom I used the last of my dope at 5:00PM and smoked old pot resin in a futile bid to get some sleep. I spent the night in bed tossing and turning in the beginning phase of withdrawal. By the next morning I was already in serious withdrawal..

The sickness lasted for 12 days: Most of the time was spent curled into a ball on the bathroom floor trying to scream but my body was so fucked and out of energy that no sound came out when I tried to scream, but I kept trying because the pain was so horrible I just wanted to kill myself.  It hurt to breathe and it hurt to not breathe. It hurt to open my eyes and it hurt to close them. Every muscle, every bone, skin crawling. MY worst nightmares rolled into one. I broke out into fits of crying and rage for no apparent external reason. My back felt like I had been bent over touching my toes for days on end. Sore and aching…sweating and shivering…dying. Mentally I was near delirious…tossing and turning in bed, feeling my legs rot off. I craved heroin with a passion. . I screamed for it. If I had had a gun I would’ve killed myself…no doubt in my mind. It just hurt so bad. Anything to make the pain go away. It eventually did go away but it seemed like years. I was a mess. But I eventually felt alive again…like a normal human-being. I’ve been clean ever-since. Crawling to the bathroom because I will never go back to that life. I’ve lost too many friends and too much time to want to go back to it. Its horrible

But I will never be the same. In many ways, I will never be normal. I have seen and done things people will never see. I have become strong.The mind of a junkie is very surreal and sometimes even beautiful, but the nightmare is always lurking in the shadows waiting to come out, the monkey has multiple personalities.

Heroin is the Devil incarnate. Beautiful, seductive, warm, kind, loving…and then when HE has me…thats when He rips my fucking head off and takes me for a ride into true HELL. It really was Hell. Those that make it out have an obligation to tell our stories and let the truth about this life be known. You never know, maybe I might save a life one day. I have done some terrible things and said even worse things. I’m not asking for redemption or forgiveness

Why I’m still alive, I don’t know, or only God knows, if you prefer. I can’t say I would never take those drugs, if I had the time again, but I would do anything to bring Tyler back, only I can’t


About Tasha Pryde

I can't seem to live life on lives terms, i enjoy escaping reality, suppressing emotions & controlled chaos.

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